By Lois Lawler
One of the themes presented in Guided Autobiography is “Gender and Sexuality”. One version of the prompting questions for this theme begins with this observation: “Our ideas about what it means to be a woman or a man evolve and come from many sources, such as family members, friends, reading, and our experiences in life. The history of our sexual development, including our identities as boys or girls, men, or women, is an important aspect of our personal histories.”
Lois Lawler, a participant in my “Going Deeper with Guided Autobiography” class for Story Circle Network, wrote the following semi-fictionalized autobiographical essay. She chose the hermit crab style, in which a writer adopts an existing form to contain their writing. These forms can be a number of things including emails, recipes, to do lists, and field guides. Lois chose the diary format.
“Excerpts from My Diary”
| Tuesday May 4, 1943 (First grade) | On the way home from school today, Douglas didn’t like something I said—I can’t remember what made him so mad at me. Liz, the oldest one in our group, a third grader, said that she could do something—I forget what—but she said it was as easy as apple pie. Douglas said “I bet you can’t even make an apple pie.” I stuck up for Liz and Doug said, “I could punch you right in the mouth.” I really thought he was joking because I could not imagine someone hitting me. I replied, “You wouldn’t dare.” He said “I would too.” I said, “I dare you!” and he did. I fell to the ground with a bloody nose, and the other kids carried me home. The kids told Mom what happened—she was upset and told Dad. |
| Wednesday May 5, 1943 | Today Dad went up to the school and talked to my teacher, Mrs. Lewis. When he came home, he told Mom and me that the teacher would not discipline Douglas because “little girls should learn how to defend themselves.” Dad said he did not think that little boys should go around punching little girls, and Mom agreed. Dad said, “If he were in a Catholic school, he wouldn’t get away with that sort of thing.” Dad explained to me the difference between Catholic and public schools and asked me if I was interested in changing schools. I told him I was because I remember Sister Angela from nursery school when I was three… I really like her. |
| March 7, 1944 (Second grade) | Walking home from Catholic school today some boys ahead of me were fighting. I don’t like it, but the boys seem to enjoy it. I saw boys calling other boys who didn’t want to fight “sissies.” I am so glad that I am a girl because I hate fighting and I’m really scared of getting hurt. And I hate sports—I’m always chosen last. How awful if I had been born a boy… everyone would call me a sissy! I really like being a girl. |
| July 26, 1945 (Third grade) | Fran and Jim and I spent today at the art museum. In the basement we attended the art workshop for children. I finger-painted, and Fran and Jim drew beautiful pictures with crayons—they were so good the teacher posted them on the bulletin board. They are brothers. I wonder if art runs in their family. I’m so glad we are all in the same grade. In the afternoon the three of us went up to the main floor. We spent time looking at large statues of naked people. The men all had a fig leaf over their private parts, but the women had nothing. It’s unfair. On the way home I said so, but Fran and Jim said girls don’t need a fig leaf because they don’t have anything. I told them that’s not true. I’m still angry at them, and I think the woman sitting in a parked car at the curb heard them, too. I’m so embarrassed. Fran and Jim said that she didn’t hear anything. I think she did—the car window was open. |
| August 7, 1947 (Fifth grade) | I spent most of the day playing with Fran and Jim. I told Mom that I really enjoyed playing with boys. She looked out the window at Fran and Jim who were going back to their house and said, “They’re not real boys.” I felt angry and said, “They are too!” She just shook her head and smiled. I don’t know why she said that. |
| March 14, 1977 | Flying to Denver from Alamosa, CO today I was seated next to a somewhat intoxicated truck driver. Today was windy, the plane was small, and the mountain peaks seemed dangerously close to the underside of the plane as we bounced over the Rockies. The truck driver shared his life story and then proposed to me. I thought about it and then declined, telling him that I was a Catholic nun. He looked at me knowingly, nodding his head up and down, and said, “That’s a nun—ain’t had none, don’t want none.” While the first three words were true, I could have set him straight on the last three but decided to leave well enough alone. I suppressed my amusement, but I was also really airsick. I was afraid that just the movement forward to get the paper bag in the pocket in front of me would cause me to throw up, so I asked him to give me the bag. He handed over the bag saying, “Oh, I’m sorry I made you sick with my proposing and everything.” Well, at least I’ve been proposed to! |
| July 21, 1987 | Today I attended a meeting of Sanctuary advocates in Denver. I am angry at the way the men monopolized the meeting and put down suggestions of women. This was after a woman had suggested that we go around the circle of about 30 people so each person could respond to the topic under discussion The men vociferously opposed this idea, and then barely gave women a chance to jump in. I started recording in my notes who talked and how many seconds. While the group was 1/3 male and 2/3 female, men used 2/3 of the time speaking and women only 1/3. I made a suggestion regarding our refugee topic, and one man strongly opposed it. Another woman spoke up in my defense, and after that, every time she attempted speak she was cut off by one of the men. Gender differences are far more than anatomical, and I am angry. |
| July 15, 2003 | Today I visited Fran at his home. I met his wife and two daughters and admired his artwork. He invited me to a small room for a Japanese tea ceremony where we could talk confidentially, and he told me about his close friend George. I can tell this friendship is more than just two guys “palling around.” |
| Nov.1, 2005 | Fran called today, very upset. His wife has divorced him, and he is inconsolable. |
| February 10, 2007 | Fran called to say that he realizes he is gay. He has found another close friend and the two of them go everywhere together. He says that they are the envy of the local gay community. I remember Mom’s smile. |
True Stories Well Told 