By Jay Akin

It’s 9 AM on a Tuesday. I’ve never been in so much pain in my life! I’ve never broken a bone or birthed a child so I don’t have those as reference points. The next level of agony that I have experienced was probably my wisdom teeth at nineteen or tonsil removal at seven. I had some rather strong drugs to help me those times. So far I’ve been alternating between ibuprofen and acetaminophen every four hours and it’s doing nothing for me. I guess the pain would be even worse without them. Dr. Weaver will fix me!

This all started on Saturday night. Well, that’s when the pain started. The concept that led to the pain started about a week earlier when I was dead set on winning the costume contest at work. I went to Joannes Fabrics for the material and the foam for the headpiece. Do you know how difficult it is to find a hula hoop around Halloween? I found some thick tubing and duct tape at Menards. It’s going to work!

I recruited my ten-year-old to help me with gluing the headpiece and cutting the arm portions while I iron the adhesive tape to the main garment. I probably could’ve borrowed a sewing machine from someone but this worked.

“This is going to be crazy!” my daughter, says as she uses the hot glue to get the headpiece just right.

“Crazy awesome! Am I right?” I put my hand up for a high five but she’s focused on her gluing. I don’t want her to have a core memory involving a hot glue gun and being distracted so I slowly put my hand down. “Are you excited for your party tomorrow?” I ask.

She shrugged her shoulders. “Mom says I don’t have to stay the whole night if I don’t want to.”

“That’s right. Just give her a call and she’ll pick you up.”  I plan on drinking heavily tomorrow so her mom has rescue duties. Alexis has still not forgiven me for rescuing her last time. I didn’t realize nine-year-olds hold such a grudge!

We finish up the costume and try it on. “You. Look. Ridiculous!” She exclaims. I did the special “dance” and she busted out laughing. “You’re going to win first place for sure!” I got to make her proud!

I dropped her off the next morning for her sleepover. She has her 90s punk rockstar costume and enough hairspray to open a hole in the ozone. I called Jeremy to see when he wants to meet up to go downtown. He recently moved out of my basement at the beginning of the month and into his home, a couple blocks away. I wonder if helping him move last week caused some of this pain. Then I remember the “dance”. It was all me!

We head downtown. He is dressed as Walter White from “Breaking Bad” and me as “name redacted for dramatic climax in storytelling.”

“Are you lava?” Green army man asks. I do the dance. “That’s awesome!”

“Are you a devil?” Indiana Jones asks. I do the dance.”That’s worthy of a coin.” He takes out a chocolate coin from his bag for me. I assume it’s drugs and give it to Jeremy.

“Oh you’re definitely a flamer!” Fred from Scooby Doo, says. Daphne slugs them in the shoulder. I do the dance. “From the ‘Family Guy’ episode! Nice!”

The next day at work is a bit of a blur. The throbbing head pain was calmed by the ibuprofen and the back started to hurt a little, but no neck pain yet. That’s still to come…

Monday at work I get the same questions from most of the customers about what I am until the dance, then they get it. My favorite guess was a red sock. If I could go back in time and agree that he was right, I think my life could have taken a different turn. I do the little dance and instantly there is shooting pain in my neck. I’m a professional in my costume at this point. A little neck pain ain’t going to stop me! A little neck pain turned into a lot of neck pain real quick! It wasn’t a decapitating amount of neck pain at this point so I just add acetaminophen into the rotation. By the time I leave work, I feel better and call Jeremy when I get home to see if he still wants to go out to the gay bar for their Halloween show. Everyone knows Halloween is the number one gay holiday. “For sure!” he says. “I’ll change and head over.”

He opens the door without knocking like he still lives here. I, of course, will be in the same costume, despite the dance getting more and more difficult to perform. He walks in wearing nothing but his 3-inch inseam shorts, running shoes, and the number from the last marathon he ran taped to his back. We head to the bar and have to park a bit away. On the walk over to the bar, someone yells out their truck as we are walking, “Fag!”

“Are you OK?” he asks. I look at him puzzled.

“Why would you think that he was yelling at me?” as I wave my hands over my outfit. “While you are dressed like this?” as I waive my hands over his shorty shorts.

By the time the drag show is over I’ve done enough “dancing” for the night showing off my costume. Jeremy has found a sexy female nurse so we stick around for a bit. As much as he enjoys the attention from us gays he’s glad to know that our hot single lady friends will be around also. I get home alone around 2 AM, he will get a ride back to his house in the morning from Mindy or was it Mandy? I don’t remember. I instantly fall asleep only to wake up a few hours later in the most excruciating pain of my life.

I called Dr. Weaver and he can see me at 9 AM. Ever since my primary care doctor ordered a $2300 CAT scan of my brain before entertaining alternatives medicines I’ve decided to go to the chiropractor first and primary care second. In reality, I meet my deductible with my allergy shots anyway so bring on all the specialists!

Dr. Weaver does some adjustments and I’m feeling better in no time. Still not great but much better. I stopped by my store to get the recommended Biofreeze for continued care. I also need to see who won the costume contest.

We have all the non-winners on a yearbook-style poster board on the wall. I don’t see my picture. I’m a winner! Next board, third place winner Taco Cat. She was cool. Second place winner, Family Friendly Joker. He was pretty funny. First place winner… drum roll…Washer and Dryer combo. Don’t get me wrong, they did have an awesome costume. But my costume was by far the best!

Last poster board. Honorable mention. Very large photo of me at the gas station next to my inspiration. Wacky Waving Arm Flailing Inflatable Tube Man. All of this pain for honorable mention?!?! I was robbed!

© 2024 Jay Akin

Jay Akin is a retail professional in his mid-40s. His hobbies include hiking, science fiction, underwater basket weaving, and writing his mostly true autobiography that he intends to sell to Netflix.