In recognition of World Mental Health Day October 10, an international day for global mental health education, awareness, and advocacy against social stigma, I invited Max Blaska, writer, filmmaker, and mental health warrior, to write about his journey. This is the second of a two-part essay.

Max Blaska had to die. Not completely mind you.  The Max Blaska who gave in to the doubt. The Max Blaska who was not just wallowing in the waters of self-pity but drowning in them. He had to die and from his wake will come his true self, the Mental Health Warrior.

After I got out of Miramont Behavioral facility, I went off of Clonopin, an anti-anxiety drug that was doing me more damage than good.  I clawed my way out of the pit of despair. The film that I thought was dead came back to life. We found a new producer who was quite literally an answer to a prayer. Kurt Krauss came on board around Thanksgiving and we started to film in January.

Watching something I wrote come together like the filming of “Last Rung On The Ladder” was magical. Our first shoot, up in Land O’Lakes, was a little traumatic. In the story and the original script, Kitty died by leaping to her death from her sky-rise apartment. The motel that we stayed in up in Land O’Lakes, the Bel Aire, was a great location and had great hospitality but did not have a high enough railing to shoot the suicide dive. So, we had to rewrite on the spot. We changed the suicide to a drug overdose. This was the way my aunt committed suicide.

I locked myself in my motel room. I was beginning to spiral. My deepest fear was that I would end up like her. The Carnival Barker loves to remind me of that. Our script supervisor Cola Engel knocked on my door and we talked. This shoot and that conversation helped me resolve issues surrounding her death I never knew I was still clinging to.

We shot over three months. Director Jeff Blankenship suggested that we should change the order a bit. Instead of Kitty being dead on the outset of the film, she would kill herself at the same time as the award banquet.

I was dead set against this. In my original version, Larry was aware of Kitty’s death and the  Carnival Barker was trying to goad Larry to join her in death. I thought this would be a betrayal of King’s trust in me. On the last weekend of February 2023, we were filming the large banquet scene. Larry was accepting his award and coming clean about how he failed his sister and he talked about wanting to connect with the one person who always had his back. I realized that Jeff was doing it. I was furious but I didn’t want to create conflict so I just accepted it.

However, I am glad I did because about a month later it dawned on me that this was the perfect ending. Larry was about to make up with his estranged sister but was just too late. It added a heartbreaking ending that the original didn’t have. I texted him saying that he was right.

I was in communication with Anthony Northrup, the author who wrote the definitive book on Dollar Babies. One question that he kept asking was, “King fans are very particular when you alter the original material.”  My Carnival Barker was screaming in my head that altering the story in the way we had was a mistake. “Stephen King will hate this.” “You are betraying the man you respect so much.” “You are a sellout.” Etc.

Of course, that voice was a liar, Anthony and the rest of the Stephen King fan community loved our adaptation. The film will be screened at the first annual Stephen King Convention in October 2024.

Stephen King discontinued the Dollar Baby Program on December 31, 2023. Our film is one of the last. We finished shooting in June but the editing was a long and arduous process and I started to get depressed and obsessed, thinking we wouldn’t get it done in time for the December 31 deadline. That was also the deadline to get into the Wisconsin Film Festival.

“Last Rung” premiered in Oshkosh on January 28^th, 2024, in the same venue that we had filmed in. We made it a celebration of mental health.

The contract stated that I could not use the film for commercial use but I wanted to use the screenings to showcase mental health charities and to tell my story of suicide to filmmaker.

We could not advertise it as a fundraiser but if people wanted to give a goodwill offering, they were more than welcome. The two non-profits were the Franki Jo Foundation and Damascus Road Project. The Franki Jo Foundation is a suicide prevention organization started by Franki Jo Moscato. She was an “American Idol” runner-up as well as an actress in our film. She won a fictional award from a fictional non-profit for her real organization. She also provided the song “Tightrope” that became our theme song and my go-to song to keep the Barker at bay. I also wanted someone from Oshkosh-based Damascus Road Project to speak. I thought it was important because they help sex workers escape from sex trafficking and our female character was one.

I emailed Franki Jo and didn’t hear back from her and I was obsessed with the thought that I pissed her off by having two non-profits there. Instead of enjoying the lead up to the premier, I was in mental agony.

But she was not angry at me in the slightest. Her mom put her arm around my shoulder and said, “You did this.” I did do this. My anxiety and depression lie to me. And this experience has shown me that clear as day.

In May in Madison, we had the “Mental Health Warrior Film Festival”, which I started. Twenty-three short films were shown and filmmakers came from Chicago, Toronto and Los Angeles. I did this. All the worrying and fretting was for naught. The voice of despair and failure screaming into my head was wrong. I knew that he would rear his ugly head sometime in the future, but  for now, I enjoyed this accomplishment.

Being invited to my first mental health summit in Salt Lake City was great. Of course the voice was telling me that I was unworthy, that I would just embarrass myself, that all my dreams are for naught. I networked. I never thought I was able to do this. I impressed myself. I met several people there. We exchanged business cards. I was particularly fascinated by the Mental Health Storyteller’s Coalition. They are a group of entertainers, writers, producers, etc. who are using their talents to shape the way we talk about mental health. I am under consideration as a possible new member.

I have flown to a Mental health festival in Denver. I will fly to Las Vegas where “Last Rung” is going to be screened at the first annual StephenKingCon. And next month the film will be screened in Santa Monica at the Ethos Film Awards.

The voice of despair and anxiety is still there. But unlike two years ago, I am able to push through. I look back at all that I have done in the last two years and I know that I am  just getting started. I know that endurance and faith will get me there.

Those thoughts are always there. The thoughts plagued me writing this essay. “Who are you to write this?” “Nobody will care about your story.” “You are fooling yourself that you are a writer.”

I beat those thoughts before and I will beat them again. I hope my story might inspire others who are plagued by paralyzing self-doubt, anxiety, and depression that if I can do it, so can you.

Creativity is our best weapon against the darkness. All we have to do is wield it.

© 2024 Max Blaska

Max Blaska is a 47-year-old writer and filmmaker who has been fighting against mental illness and the stigma that comes with it for most of his adult life. He believes that creativity is one of the most important weapons in this fight. His latest short film “Last Rung On The Ladder” is getting awards and playing the film festival circuit.