By “Stan” Stanaway

Buried in the northern forest of Wisconsin is a place difficult to find on any map. Just as the hidden village of Three Pines, Quebec, is only found in the books of Louise Penny, a place called Ontonagon may be found primarily in the annals of FBI files.*

The musty cardboard files, too buried to be digitized, tell of the secret base for studies of the alien infestation commonly known as The Sasquatch. After the debacle of Area 51 in the Southwes, (which has become a tourist-haven for gawkers and souvenir-grabbers) no such publicity is wanted by the Ontonagon Deputy Director of the Wisconsin FBI Office. In fact, extreme measures are taken to ensure its anonymity.

Coffee shops fail. Motels fold. Dollar Generals never get their merchandise. The only business that thrives is the Gas-n-Go which has imported (from Minnesota) Mexican burritos and over-priced ethanol for lost travelers. Of course, behind the beer cooler, there are two restrooms and a “Staff Only” door which leads to a P.X. the size of a Walmart.  Only a valid badge and “Ontonagonic” Credit Card will allow entrance.

The entrance to the main facility is a driveway in a mock neighborhood off River Street. Run-down clapboard houses, dusty trailer homes, sheds, barns, and smoke houses are actually ultra-modern offices and training facilities. Guarding the driveway façade is a specially trained dog that pretends to be sleeping…unless the suspect’s vehicle turns into the driveway. Then, the dog nudges the hidden alarm which sets the full force on alert.  Once back in the early 1980s, a tourist family pulled in to turn around. They barely began backing out before they were surrounded by armored half-tracks. They are still under “protection” in South Carolina.

Perhaps the most brilliant plan to keep the entire facility hush-hush was to hire a writer to publish a blog post entitled “Don’t Visit Ontonagon.”  A respected journalist and professor was assigned to use what the FBI calls “The Triple Psych” to discourage any interest in this Wisconsin Dark Base.  Sarah White wrote a short memoiresque piece about how quiet and small and nice this town was.  (Psyche one.)  However, there are no unique shops or attractions that would encourage people to stop there. (Psych two.) And finally, she speaks of all the surface inhabitants as people who really like the calm lifestyle that the area offers. That is true; however, the reason they love it is because they are all retired spies from the U.S. and its allies.

The taxidermist may be the famous French plastic surgeon that the Mission Impossible show was based on. You may meet the Gas-n-Go clerk who was the MI6 Chief.  You may meet a ranger who was the personal body guard in President G.W. Bush’s Secret Service. (Psych three.)

We all wonder where elderly spies are sent when they retire, and irony is that even in Ontonagon, each retiree believes he or she is in a town of civilians.

With all of the wacky conspiracy theories, isn’t it good to know that the best ones remain secret?

(Note: I am being relocated to a Hawaiian mansion paid for by your tax dollars.)   

© 2026 James “Stan” Stanaway

After a career of teaching English and Media Studies in California, Stan moved to Madison where he explores a variety of written genres. Stan is an investigative reporter for Creative Meanderings, an “I-Thunk-It” brain trust. With offices in Fullerton, California and Madison, Wisconsin, its Mission Statement reads: “Who Knew?!”  Currently at work on the multi-decade research on Unprovable History, Stan hopes to complete the project in your lifetime.

*For the first and perhaps the only time, I break the cardinal rule of True Stories Well Told, to publish this foray into fiction. Thanks for the laugh, Stan!